The Only Things

In this journey of sobriety, I feel that what is currently available in my arsenal of healthy things to do has been limited by my lifelong conditioning and training, and unconscious way of escaping pain. Going to a therapist, attending meetings, reading good literature, exercising, perhaps making music?, these have been the only things that have seemingly been good. I am working on connecting on a deeper level with people. I want to relearn that and develop true relationships wherein not only do I just keep taking from it, but also start giving myself to it. A true relationship. Not a "me"-ship.

WHAT I WANT WHEN I WANT IT HOW I WANT IT. AND I DONT WANT UNPLEASANT THINGS

Unpleasant feelings, irritants, things that piss me off, things that relinquish my control, things that humble me, all these things are objects that appear in life that are not necessarily aligned to how I want things to be. This in turn is a dangerous path as it leaves me wanting more, leaves me with more to be desired. With the keyword being MORE. Leaves me feeling un-content, and empty. It steers me away from being thankful for what I have. And the thought and REALITY that whatever I have right now, I have everything I need, and more.

The disease is cunning in a sense that it permeates through all sorts of facets in my life. It has invaded my thought patterns, and the foundations of my belief system. That is how deep I have to dig. Lord thank you for placing me on this journey of true self discovery. True self realization. True self RECOVERY. I am recovering my true self.

If there is one consolation to all of this pain and suffering, it is that I am learning something about human nature, and learning something about myself. I am becoming more aware of my faults, and my true nature, and I am being given a chance to act more "skillful" and be more conscious of my actions. I hope I can learn how to live this life, a life that is sharper and more engaging.

HOW DO YOU ENGAGE? TO LOVE?

This is a question that is new and true to my quest. Perhaps all these years I've been a user. WHAT IS IN IT FOR ME? HOW DO I ADVANCE IN LIFE? Horrible questions to consider in relationships, but it's true. That is perhaps the reason why some otherwise beautiful, good hearted, and attractive women do not interest me. They lack this thing that would "upgrade me". How shallow of me to think of relationships as that. How shallow of me to think that all there is in a relationship is to take. I should be willing to give again. How do I give and therefore "invest" and engage more in my relationships.

DIFFICUTLY TO TRUST - NEED HEALING HERE

How do I learn to trust people again? How do I begin to develop meaningful, non-escapist, non-user, healthy relationships with people? How do I stop them from becoming merely an escape from the pains and trauma I have experienced in the past? These are the ideas I am pondering now as I continue on this journey of sobriety. Without the gift of sobriety, and dare I say, the gift of the state of grace that it provides, I am not able to see with clarity enough to recognize these things. Therefore I am not learning and understanding, and improving myself in order to ultimately be able to healthily cope with whatever life brings to the table. To take on life on life's terms. I am the sailor of the boat! that's all there is to it. I am not fully in control.

YOUR WILL BE DONE

Lastly, I just want to say that LORD, THY WILL BE DONE. Help me perceive and see your will. Help me understand your plan, and the strength and courage to carry it out. You are the captain of the ship, the master of my fate. With your grace and love, delivery me from evil, and guide to my ultimate destination, a place in your loving kingdom, forever with You. Amen

Belonging as a member

P.S I also want to remember that in becoming a true member of AA, I can try to be more of service, and part of that is attending and engaging. For we may never know who might need our message at that particular moment. Try to attend other meetings as well.

Thank you.